Millions of women across the country rejoiced last night as the newest (and most dramatic yet) season of The Bachelorette premiered. As someone that typically despises ABC's incestuous choices each season (is it impossible to get a Bachelor(ette) virgin for once?), I'll admit I'm looking forward to watching this season unfold. This is mostly due to the bachelorette, Andi Dorfman. Though ABC's casting choice is undoubtedly ratings-driven, I'm looking forward to a season led by a Bachelorette with class, intelligence and independence. Let's be real though. This season was hers as soon as she told off douche-master Juan Pablo and slammed the door behind her. How can you not love that?! Her Instagram reenactment of JP's cringeworthy gestures was just the icing on the cake. Call me a fan.
Moving on. I'll go ahead and cop to the fact that I actually watched last night's episode twice. Yeah...but for good reason. A second look is more than justified to notice every single moment of mindless drama packed into a Bachelorette premiere, right? Right. Thanks to my aggressive/consuming viewing strategy, several glaring "themes" are already staking claim over this season:
1. Andi's a laywer.
You mean she's an attractive, well-spoken woman with an actual career? Mind-blowing. Several of the men have already managed to rattle off numerous legal/law-related puns in one episode's time? Even better. We can assume her first group date will be on the set of SVU, taping her guest spot as new ADA Andi Dorfman. Adorable.
2. She's feisty!
In case you haven't seen the incessant promos, it's been decided: Andi is one feisty gal! Can't help but think it's an ambiguous choice, and an unoriginal one at that. I'm getting flashbacks of ABC's last "feisty" Bachelorette, the train wreck season of Desiree Hartsock -- ring a bell? Let's save the pseudo-feminist buzzword and just agree: she's ballsy, period.
3. The single male population is having an identity crisis.
In the interest of time, I'm combining my thoughts/first impressions of Andi's suitors. I can't begin to mention all of the cringe-inducing, disturbing or just straight weird moments, but these are standouts in my book:
- Gingham & hair gel overload. Gentlemen, gather 'round. Moderation and not dressing like your fellow contestants is key. Take note.
- Pickup lines. Okay, I understand that a handful of guys always have bile-inducing one liners right out of the limo. Andi, do yourself (and viewers nationwide) a favor and axe the alarming number of dudes without game ASAP. A few helpful suggestions:
- The lamp-toting gentleman. His mother is appalled that he even mentioned her. I'm appalled at his atrocious sense of humor and lack of style. Pack your bags.
- Mr. "it's pronounced like anal...with an M." Um, what? Get out, immediately.
- The "Pantspreneur." Unemployed trophy husband, party of one. You lose.
I know that's barely the tip of the iceberg here. But I'll save the in-depth critique for a smaller, better-rounded group of gents as the season progresses. Thankfully, there seem to be a few legitimate guys in the bunch; I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm also cautiously confident that The Bachelorette's pool of man-children is not an accurate representation of the single male population in this country...it can't be that bleak, ladies.
Thoughts on the premiere? Andi? Her list of suitors?